Little Britain
by jennifer snape
Summary: Britain, Britain, Britain!
1. Mr Mann and Roy

_Roll credits_….

_Voiceover_: Britain! Land of opportunities! Or is that land of rotten tulip leaves…I can never remember….

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**Little Britain**

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**Chapter 1: Mr Mann Looks For A Suit But Then Ends Up Not Buying It**

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_Voiceover_: It is seven past thirteen and Mr. Mann is looking to buy some clothes. Aren't clothes wonderful – come to think of it, where are mine? I'm sure I put some on this morning.

Mr Mann lowers in slowly through the ceiling, attached to a harness. Roy doesn't notice him until he reaches the ground.

_Roy_: "Oh, hello, can I help you?"

_MM_: "Yes."

Ten seconds tick by.

_Roy_: "Er…what is it that I can help you with?"

_MM_: "I thought you'd never ask. I would like to buy an item of clothing."

_Roy_: "Oh, well this is a clothes shop - we have plenty of clothes here. Is there anything in particular you'd like?"

_MM_: "No, not really. I was just wondering if you have any suits."

Roy picks up a suit in front of him.

_MM_: "In blue."

Roy picks up a blue suit.

_MM_: "Navy."

Roy picks up a navy blue suit.

_MM_: "With pinstripes."

Roy picks up a pinstripe navy blue suit.

_MM_: "On the left leg only."

Roy puts the suit down with a sigh and looks around the counter.

_MM_: "With a red design on the left breast pocket of two intertwined roses."

_Roy_: "Oh dear…I can't seem to see any here." He smiles apologetically. "One moment."

He takes a step back.

_Roy_: "Margaret! Margaret!"

Five seconds elapse.

_MM_: "Yes?"

Roy looks at Mr Mann in surprise.

_Roy_: "Oh, I was actually calling Margaret."

_MM_: "Yes, that is my first name."

They stare at each other. Roy looks at him uncertainly takes another step back.

_Roy_: "Margaret! Margaret!"

Seven seconds elapse. Roy nods at Mr Mann and he nods back.

_Margaret_: "Yes?"

_Roy_: "There's a gentleman here asking for a navy blue suit with pinstripe on the left leg only."

_MM_: "With a red design on the left breast pocket of two intertwined roses."

_Roy_: "With a red design on the left breast pocket of two intertwined roses."

_Roy_: "Do we have any upstairs?"

_Margaret_: "One moment."

_Roy (to Mr Mann)_: "One moment."

_Margaret_: "No."

_Roy (to Mr. Mann)_: "No."

_MM_: "Oh."

_Roy (to Margaret)_: "Oh."

_Margaret_: "Oh, hang on a second."

_Roy_: "She says hang on a second."

They hang on a second.

_Margaret_: "There's a navy blue suit with pinstripe only on the left leg and a red design of a single rose on the left breast pocket if that would do?"

_Roy_: "She says there's a navy blue suit with pinstripe only on the left leg and a red design of a single rose on the left breast pocket if that would do."

_MM_: "Not really, I was rather hoping for the intertwined effect as I feel it adds a certain something to the overall look, if you see what I mean."

_Roy (to Margaret)_: "No, he says he was rather hoping for the intertwined effect as I feel it adds a certain something to the overall look."

_MM_: "If you see what I mean."

_Roy (to Margaret)_: "If you see what I mean."

_Margaret_: "Well let me see what I can do with my needle and thread. Give me a moment."

There is the sound of scuffling upstairs.

_Mr. Mann and Roy stand and look at each other in complete silence for thirty minutes._

_Suddenly, there is a thud at the bottom of the stairs. Roy jumps in surprise and bends down to retrieve a navy blue suit with pinstripe on one leg with a red design on the left breast pocket of two intertwined roses._

_Roy_: "Oh, my. It seems we do have what you're looking for after all. Margaret must have knocked this up just now. Does this seem alright?"

_MM_: "Oh, yes."

He makes no move to take the suit.

_Roy_: "Would you like to buy it?"

_MM_: "Could I ask the time, please?"

_Roy_: "Oh, certainly, it's one forty-five."

_MM_: "Oh dear."

_Roy_: "What's wrong?"

_MM_: "Well I was rather hoping to finish the purchase by one forty or thereabouts."

_Roy_: "Oh, I see." He looks at his watch. Well it isn't that far off. And Margaret did put a lot of effort into it."

_MM_: "Yes, she did, didn't she. Oh well, goodbye."

He tugs on the harness and is slowly raised up through the ceiling and out of view.

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	2. Dame Sally Markham

(Italics indicate the narration within the novel)

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**Chapter 2: Dame Sally Markham writes (another) novel**

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Tom Baker Voice Over: "It's a quarter past zebra and Dame Sally Markham is dictating to her secretary, Miss Grace, her latest 17th century novel. I myself love the 17th century - it's when I last had a bath."

" _'Lord Winter, how could you? All these years...there never was another woman, was there?' Isabella said._

_'No, there wasn't,' he replied from his carriage. 'There was only ever you.' And with a sad smile, he tipped his bowler hat and signalled to the driver to drive on, never to see her again._

_THE END!_" Dame Sally concludes with a flourish of her hand. "How many pages is that?"

Miss Grace flicks through the pages briefly. "Four and a half."

Dame Sally gives her a nervous smile. "Oh, er...wait..." She eats another chocolate and scans the room. Her gaze falls upon the paper on her lap. "Ah!" She motions to Miss Grace to resume typing.

"_Lord Winter came back. 'I forgot my newspaper,' he said. _

_'Oh? Which one?' exclaimed Isabella, her face brightening._

_'It's the...er.._.' " - Dame Sally squints at the paper in her lap - " '_Daily Mirror_._ I think I see it there on top of the TV.'_

_'Oh yes, here you go.'_

_And then he drove off into the distance, never to see her again. THE END! _How many now?"

"It's still not enough, I'm afraid," Miss Grace replies with a shake of her head.

Dame Sally's face falls. "Oh, erm..." She nods to Miss Grace to continue.

" '_Have you ever read The Daily Mirror? It's very good, it tells you all the day's news and sport. There's a great article on yesterdays Manchester United match.'_

_'Oh really?' Isabella responded with interest. 'Would you read it to me?'_

_'Yes, of course,' he said._

_'Page one - ' _"

Dame Sally picks up the newspaper in front of her and reads the front headline.

" '_Spice Girls tour kicks off in Europe_.' "

She tosses the paper at Miss Grace. "You'll find the rest in there."

THE END!


	3. Carol Beer

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Chapter 3: Carol Beer proves once more why she deserves that 'employee of the month' award

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Tom Baker Voice Over: "It's ten past Tuesday and Carol Beer is... oh dear I seem to have forgotten. Come to think of it, where are my trousers?"

Carol is sitting at her desk with a blank expression on her face, staring straight ahead. A couple walk into the travel agents and sit in front of her. They nod and smile.

Carol looks straight through them for five whole minutes.

"Er - hello?" One of the men waves his hand in front of her face.

Carol makes no move to acknowledge them. "Oh, I didn't see you."

There is another minute of silence.

One of the men presses on. "Er - we were wondering if we could book a holiday to Cyprus in October."

Carol blinks and looks at them again. "Oh, I didn't see you." She gives them a brief insincere smile then abruptly turns towards her computer and starts to type frantically, completely ignoring them. She then bends her face over the keyboard and presses the Return key with her nose.

After his initial surprise, the customer leans forward eagerly. "Are there any vacancies?"

Carol turns to them. "Computer says noooo..."

"Oh, what's the problem?"

"It's all written here." She turns the monitor so they can see what she has typed on the screen. It reads oijarexwlqo8uowajia6398765iuhvtceauygp8byn978y6e43w32?%6$7756I6TY. She picks up her kettle and proceeds to pour a cup of tea into her cup. When it is full, however, she still continues to pour until the kettle is empty. Tea flows all over the desk and soaks everything. "Oh dear. Please excuse me one moment." She looks down at the tea and coughs on it.

The men, looking slightly scared, get up to leave. "Oh well, never mind. I suppose we'd better check elsewhere." He turns to the other. "Oh, I almost forgot. We should pop to the supermarket on the way home. Do we need more milk?"

Carol types the word MILK on her keyboard.

"Computer says noooooo."

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